“My Bloody Valentine-3D” — 3D film, 1D plot & characterizations
January 20, 2009
Technically, the 3D in “My Bloody Valentine- 3D” is excellent; however, the use this technique is put to here is simply moronic.
This is a horror/thriller with no horror and no thrills despite a very high gore content and extremely gratuitous nudity.* Unless you consider sudden loud noises and the abrupt, unexpected appearances of supporting cast members to be ‘thrilling.’
To earn the ‘bloody’ in the picture’s title you get sequences like this: a buxom midget motel owner is impaled on the ceiling with a pick axe; the top half of a pretty blonde’s head is severed with a shovel in a mine shaft; an eyeball is popped out of one character’s head; the jaw of an old man is ripped from his face and hurled at the camera; a comatose patient awakes after a decade asleep in a hospital and severs nurses and fellow patients in two, disemboweling some of them and placing one woman’s heart inside a box of Valentine chocolates.
You get the feeling that this stuff was written by two stoned 14 year olds, cracking each other up with how ‘outrageous’ they were being. Dude! A word of caution to parents: let them have the pot, but please lock up the lap tops and word processors.
The film is a remake of a 1981 Canadian slasher picture set in a mining town where a pick axe swinging menace slices and dices teenagers trying to have sex on Valentine’s Day. (Teen age sexuality is the number one cause of serial killing, as depicted by Hollywood screenwriters). The original was a low-budget entry in the category of the more imaginative Freddy’s, Jason’s and Michael Meyer’s that continue to spawn sequels today.
What 3D slasher horror really needs is a great genre director like John Carpenter; if only this level of quality stereoscopic filming could have been available to him for the first “Halloween” picture!
Not only does the story of “My Bloody Valentine- 3D” make little sense, the film stoops to outright cheating to deliver it’s ho-hum ‘twist’ ending. Scenes that we originally saw with two characters in them are shown in flash back with only one, so that the reveal of the killer will ‘kinda sorta’ fit. The final shot even sets the stage for a sequel (that I doubt will ever be made) and is the only truly frightening thing about the entire picture.
Given all the above, you’ll probably think I’m crazy to praise the 3D filming but, if you can separate what is being filmed from how it’s being filmed, you have to be impressed.
3D movies can now be produced with excellent depth and no eye strain. The glasses are comfortable to wear and they fit easily over prescription glasses. They simply need better content, if Hollywood expects to pull people away from their wide screen TVs and into theaters for a ‘premium’ viewing experience (and ticket price). “My Bloody Valentine- 3D” cost $13.75 per at my local multiplex.
It really all comes down to the story and the writing. Sadly, for both 2D and 3D cinema technical production today far exceeds both the skill and imagination of our current crop of screenwriters.
*For the record: I stand in full support of gratuitous nudity, but isn’t it supposed to be naughty or tittalating? Not here it isn’t.
One attractive young actress (Betsy Rue as “Irene”) is required to perform almost her entire on-screen time completely nude, except for a pair of platform heels, for no discernable reason. She even walks out of a No Tell Motel in the buff to confront her fornication partner, a bald trucker, over his illicit videotaping of their rutting encounter.
She’s upset that he filmed them having sex but she stands stark naked in the middle of a parking lot to complain about it?
Rather than arousing the entire sequence came across as merely uncomfortable. It was a relief when the trucker’s bald dome was punctured by the killer’s pickaxe, even if only to allow poor shivering Betsy to run back inside. (Also: didn’t adult human females used to have pubic hair at one time? I’m just saying, is all).